The hypermasculine compound was visited by a team of documentarists today. Here we see “Nick,” freshly groomed, displaying innocent affability towards two of the visitors. Not pictured: the carnage thirty seconds later after “Nick” saw his reflection in the camera lens and mistook it for an encroaching rogue male.
by Antoine Giacomoni
Pictured here: Bauhaus in a simulation of their natural environment.
In this tragic photo you can clearly see the progressive stages of post-punk hair in the goth species. This trio is well-known to researchers in the field, who have often witnessed the less-impaired specimens (center and right) gently leading their nearly-blind companion to local watering holes and caches of clove cigarettes, as well as steering him away from dangerous corridors.
Log Entry 2/8/2014
Reminder: meet with Dr. McSexcakes regarding alternate plans for enclosure cleaning and maintenance. It’s all well and good to simply hose down all the hard surfaces, but then the hypermasculine specimens squabble for days because they no longer have the latest urine marks to assure them of the current social hierarchy.
Goths in the Park..
Shhh, don’t feed them, don’t look just keep walking.
Omg, they’re on the telephone wires… watching us… all over the playground… QUICK RUN INTO THAT PHONE BOOTH AND CALL FOR HELP!
Goths are a largely non-aggressive species, but if you’re going to go around carrying black lipstick and clove cigarettes in your purse, you can’t blame them for acting like the wild animals they are!
Depeche Mode’s courtship behavior is nearly indistinguishable from social grooming. Also, it’s adorable—and that’s a scientific fact you can rely on!
The Clash in Belfast by Adrian Boot, 1977
The Clash in the wild just before being captured.
Remember, if you see one in the wild do not approach! They have very sharp teeth and a bite that is prone to infection.
No matter how sweet and cuddly they may look in the zoo a wild animal is still wild!
This strong, proud alpha hipster displays his status through the careful grooming of his beard. Although some naturalists feel that there are complex meanings behind the shape of a hipster’s plumage, our experience with the hypermasculine specimens has taught us that anthropomorphizing non-human species is dicey at best, and often poorly supported by current science. Nevertheless, we feel certain that this mighty creature’s exotic beardform has made him the envy of all the other hipsters in his blasé.